I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
