Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
