1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
