i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
