Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
