I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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