I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
