I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
