I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
