I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
