I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
