Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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