Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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