i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If I die, sorry about rent.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
