I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
