i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
