my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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