took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize