I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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