If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
