I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
