I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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