There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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