ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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