She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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