I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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