We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
