just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
