sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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