I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
