i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
