I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you win again, gameday.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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