The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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