I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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