The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
