nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
