saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
