Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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