I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
