I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
