Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
