I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I love you. Go after that dick
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
