The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
