Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You need Xanax blowdarts
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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