i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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