I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
