I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
