I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
