sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
