She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
