Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
