I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
