did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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