i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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